Wherever you are, whatever you may be facing,
I hope this day is filled with reminders of the people and God who love you.
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Please find my new blog here at: www.theunknownideal.wordpress.com where I have been continuing my posts.
The title is a bit deceptive. I have given into the resistance of moving over to Wordpress. I finally admit, Wordpress is so much better. I will post here from now on.
After a very busy week and weekend preparing for and helping coordinate the ACLF 10th Annual Dinner event, I took a real Sabbath yesterday - mostly cleaning my kitchen and doing much needed laundry work. Stay tuned for more purging.
The road to simplicity ain't easy. In the three weeks that I have purged 30 items, I have also brought in a few additional items (that aren't considered everyday disposable items like food or toilet paper). The cycle of consumption is hard to break.
1. I purchased a desktop computer. Annabelle knocked over a full cup of steaming coffee two weekends ago onto my laptop, which then powered off. After several days of drying out, it is working again - sort of. The battery won't charge, and sometimes it randomly shuts off. I had been thinking for about a year and a half that I might purchase a desktop, so it's not 100% completely unplanned. The timing, however, was quite unexpected. I bought the cheapest, no-frills desktop I could purchase new. It set me back $320, and is an "all-in-one" (meaning the base of the monitor is where the CPU and drives lie).
2. A jigsaw puzzle. This was an impulse buy. I was at Bartell's and the puzzles were 15% off. The introvert that I am, I looooooove jigsaw puzzles and haven't owned one in many many years. This 1000-piece puzzle set me back $4.75 and has already provided me with about 12 hours of solitary entertainment.
3. I ordered a titanium solo backpacking cookware set during the last members-only 20% off REI coupon deal. It's on my short list of backpacking items I'm still procuring (a backpack rain cover is also on that list). It set me back nearly $50 - and now that I have it home, I'm wondering why it cost so much. I'm tempted to return it.
4. A non-cotton travel shirt. I found it on a clearance rack at REI when I went to pick up the cookware. This too was an impulse buy, sorta. It's on my list of things I've wanted for more comfortable hiking/backpacking, but wasn't a necessity. I found a shirt in a woman's extra small, which is pretty unusual for REI. Most of their clothes I buy from the children's section because everything is so BIG. It was $30, but I'm happy with the purchase.
So really my tally is only 26 items over the last three weeks.
I'm going to have to work harder.
Zone: Inside the Desk
Zone: Secretary
I can hardly wait until next weekend when I can get rid of ten more things. I know, I know. I don't have to wait a whole week, but what if I go nuts and then run out of things to purge before I've had a chance to concretize the habit?
(Yes, concretize is a word. My colleague and I actually looked it up on dictionary.com after she exclaimed, "I've never heard that word before! Did you make it up??")
I think I might try a zone process of purging. Kitchen cupboards, top of secretary, inside the secretary, desk, bookshelves, closet, random stuff I've stored under my bed...
This weekend's zone: ten things stored inside my secretary. Surely there are at least ten things in it that I can part with. I'm already eying a wooden hand massage thing-a-me-bopper. You'll have to wait until this weekend's post to see what I'm talking about.
Can I part with my VHS collection too? I have the entire THX VHS boxset for Star Wars. I love owning the first (or is it now last) three episodes of the trilogy, the sci-fi geek that I am. On the other hand, I don't have a working video cassette player anymore. At this point, it's just sentimentality that keeps me holding on.
I never likened myself as a particularly sentimental person, but I do appreciate that about ten years ago my dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas, bought it for me, and then even sat through about an hour of a film with me. Granted, he kept saying, "That's not real!" (Er, I guess the concept of sci-fi never hit it big in Korea.)
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And then along comes this podcast this morning (10/21): What Our Stuff Says About Us.
I liken myself as a non-materialist (at least relative to my typical Seattle neighbor). That being said, I've noticed that it's harder and harder to "clean" my tiny one-room apartment. It just feels like a storage place for all the clutter I seem to collect. In a place as small as mine (250 square feet, I think?), this is feeling unbearable.
So along comes this website where this guy is committed to simplify his life. For the past several weeks, he's been getting rid of ten things a week.
Seems like a doable project - although Sunny tells me that at that rate, it'd be months before I could see any progress, even in a small place like mine.
But here goes... Today, I got rid of:
1. Two broken cell phones (although this only counts as one, since I replaced one with a working one) - got trade-in cash value for both at Car Toys, resulting in $20 net cost for a simple, no-frills handset (no picture)
2. Cell phone "pouch" and two chargers (I'll count these as one) - gave to Car Toys' donation pile (no picture)
3. Wallet I bought at Urban Outfitters on clearance ($5.00) that I never ended up using and likely never will - apartment's free pile
4. Fabric shower caddy that I no longer use - trash
5. Vinyl cosmetic case that I haven't used in years - pathetic-looking enough to warrant disposal
6. Free apron I got at an MEDC annual dinner 3 or 4 years ago, never used - free pile
7. Collapsible lunch "disc" that I haven't used in years (I now use a fabric shopping bag to carry my lunch) - free pile
8. Universal remote control, for when I used to watch television and had a working DVD player - free pile
9. Candle dish, given by Sister Therese to participants of this spring's St. Placid Priory silent retreat; a lovely gesture but I don't have the space to justify it - free pile
10. Handsfree mic/earpiece for a phone I no longer own - free pile
at All Saints', we've been going through the book of James which is fundamentally about growing our spiritual chops. each week, i have found myself challenged in new ways: facing trials, enduring through temptation, responding to God with faith. today Bill discussed "the mirror" as described in James 1:23.
recently, i have found myself at a crossroads again - professionally and personally. i have new opportunity to make some choices that either demonstrate my belief in myself or my trust in Christ.
there was a time in my life that i felt challenged to be steadfast, even though it was painful and difficult. i went through the bumps and trials of trusting in God's revelations when i didn't want to, to pit worldly wisdom against godly wisdom, and to choose to trust God. with a great deal of resistance and missteps, i finally got there.
and then i found, at the other end, that steadfastness was not only a trial that i "beat"; it became a source of pride and self-righteousness. no longer was it steadfastness; it became unmovable stubbornness. Bill said something this morning that really spoke to me: "A proud heart is assured of every one of its beliefs. It defends each of its convictions. It is unteachable and argumentative."
these days, i have found myself challenged again. where does my trust lie? is it in God's promise or in God? do i, as James describes, look in the mirror and walk away, or do i stay in front of it with humility, seeking the perfect law and the law of liberty?
Here is a simple prayer of humility Bill shared with us today:
"God, bless them and change me."
this is one of the most electrifying moments of my year, literally. it was around 9:30 a.m. on a little speedboat in Cabo San Lucas. the sky above was cloudless and blue. but in the 15-20 minutes that i was waiting my turn to go parasailing, we could see, in the very far distance, a couple patches of flashing dark clouds building, growing, and coming in fast. i didn't get to parasail.
(i still can't believe my cheap-o $100 digital camera took this shot. i am extremely pleased with the picture quality of the outdoor photos.)
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the Mayor released his budget last Friday while i was in Mexico; my job is officially slated to be eliminated at the end of the year. i have known that this was a strong possibility for months, but now that it's official, i can be open about it and about what i might like to do next. having had started aggressively saving this year for a downpayment on a house coupled with the fact that i live very simply, i'm in a remarkable position to not have to worry about having a job for awhile.
one of my top ideas: well, as you know, i've been rather lazily trying to learn French. i've also been casually looking into spending a month in France, or another French-speaking country, to take intensive French lessons. i believe this is a first step to possibly moving to Dem. Congo, Rwanda, Chad, or Cameroon, where there is a need for food security officers and other community development personnel.
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i rewatched Truly Madly Deeply last night, which as one of my favorite films is in my very modest DVD collection. it's a story of a woman and man who shared a beautiful relationship at one time, but the man unexpectedly died. the story follows the woman intensely grieving the loss, their reunion of sorts (through supernatural means obviously), the acceptance of what was lost, and the genesis of finding new life, purpose and love. the story is both a celebration of the past, and a celebration of the future.
there are some similarities with this story and the crossroads i've reached in my own life. i thought it would be scary to be here - and for a moment it was, and now it is not. it is, in many ways, celebratory.
this will be a short post as it's already past 9 p.m., and i'm tuckered out.
i didn't get the Madonna part. i did however get forced into trying out for Gloria Estefan's "Rhythm's Gonna Get You" instead. i got the part, and performed for the ship. i have the DVD to prove it.
how did i do?
i forgot my lines, kept repeating a made-up verse over and over, and danced in one spot instead of using the stage. the feedback was good though; apparently no one knows the verses. about a dozen people came up to me afterwards and said i rocked it. ;)
i am reminded, whenever i visit places unlike, let´s say, the United States or South Korea, that i don´t belong there. there is something very peaceful about being somewhere that doesn´t exude the need to schedule every minute or to rush to the next thing. just being around people who are always in a hurry stresses me out, and the fact is that, on most days, i am that person.
five of us went hiking this morning in the foothills of the Sierra Madres right outside of Puerto Vallerta. we took our time walking up and down the hills, fording two rivers (crossing on horseback - one by one), and pointing out the various wildlife (mostly spiders). i´m hot, sweaty, thirsty, and curiously feeling quite at home.
in other news, it´s been nearly four days and no huge family meltdown yet. some mild bickering, yes. outright fighting, no. cross your fingers! my parents keep mostly to their cabin where my father is enjoying a lot of reading, and my mother is enjoying a lot of sleeping. my brother is feeling more at home on the ship and thus has found less of a need to be attached at my hip. he no longer acts hurt when i say that i need to be on my own for awhile.
we are eating well. my father loves food, and every meal is like his birthday. he gets giddy about his menu choices, and espouses the benefits of whatever food he is about to consume (potatoes, meat, lemonade, salad, whatever). ever watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding? my father reminds me of the father in the movie -- a neverending commercial for Windex, his native heritage/culture, and whatever food or fad he´s into at the moment.
oh, life on the cruise ship: well, this won´t surprise you i suppose. i have gone to karaoke every night thus far. people actually stop me on the ship and say, ¨hey - were you singing at karaoke last night?¨ Sunday, B-52s; Monday, the Bangles; Tuesday, Blondie. tonight i may try out for a singing-dancing part (Madonna) in the cruise ship´s final evening passenger celebration. if i do and get the part, apparently i get a free DVD of the performance. i´ll keep you posted.
Last Sunday, it finally became clear to me that when Esau was starving, he gave up his inheritance for a bowl of stew. I mean I always understood the facts; I never understood the meaning. Sometimes I'm awed at how dense I am, and sometimes I am awed at how brilliant the Bible is; these are also not mutually exclusive.
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In the last 2-3 years, I've become oilier. Oily skin, oily hair. After living in my body one way for all my life, to have it behave differently, not just in illness but in perpetuity, is strangely disturbing.
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Learning from having way too few Meshach pictures after his death, I am photographing Annabelle fairly often. The thing is: I live in a very small apartment, and Annabelle just sleeps and eats. So all the pictures essentially look the same. The only difference is the time/date stamp.
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I love my apartment, especially in the mornings. I wake up to a view of the waking city I'm about to head into and of magnificent Tahoma peeking through the buildings.
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I. am. so. exhausted.
it has taken me a long time to accept that self-important proclamations people make about their impacts on others don't necessarily mean they are untrue. for good or for bad. ultimately it comes down to what people decide to do with the power of their influence.
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Annabelle continues to privilege me every day with her affection. having one cat has been illuminating. i'm now discovering what was Meshach's doing and what was Annabelle's. he, clearly now, was the culprit of all the hairballs. she just leaves little patches of fur everywhere - straight off the body, not through the stomach. my carpet is thankful for the reprieve.
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i'm a lazy self-taught student. having spent a week focused on short French lessons every day, i'm now down to never. that's 1/8 the time i spent on trying to learn the guitar.
i also successfully completed one writing class homework assignment out of five.
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the theme for the summer: get SuJ'n to go on a date. seems everyone and their siblings are trying to set me up. this includes friends, friends of friends, and my mother. i don't know what this is supposed to mean. i'm trying my best not to take it the wrong way, but given my overall ambivalence about dating, i naturally go to the most negative interpretation: SuJ'n needs a boyfriend.
which is totally untrue, of course - both that i need a boyfriend, and that my friends/family think i do. it's out of love, of course, that people want to see me happy. it's just that i've been in enough relationships to know that relationships in and of themselves aren't sources of happiness. a friend who brings over beautiful flowers, however... that brings a whole lot of unexpected joy.
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i have five fuchsia gerber daisies in a gorgeous fuchsia handmade glass vase (an another gift from times past) sitting pretty by my window. as i look around, i see a home filled with many beautiful gifts: a handmade bag, a handmade bowl, a scented candle for my birthday, a doll from China, wooden painted ducks from Korea, a giant stuffed lion, along with so many more pieces of evidence of the generous spirits and love in my life. (i detest the construction of that last segment: four prepositional phrases in a row, egads!)
so damn lucky i am.
invites the following:
a higher truck/SUV/minivan per capita than Seattle
so many more lush, mature trees in yards than Seattle
ultra-soft quadruple-ply tissue paper in the bathrooms
watching an hour-long Korean-broadcast news program on American megachurches led by white men
constant offers to be fed
First of all, I thoroughly enjoyed this movie sans the tinges of familiarity with the main characters. They are honest looks, but also stereotypical in ways.
A girlfriend and I got to talking about relationship patterns last night after class. Who we choose, who we attract, how we behave, why.
Summer Finn, in the movie, cares about one thing above others in her ill-defined, underidefined relationship with Tom: having a good time. While she tries to add disclaimers to their time together, the truth remains - one cannot manage people's emotions with disclaimers.
The film does a good job of showing the mirror to Tom, whose expectations of Summer despite her protests were off-base. We watch with some discomfort her reactions, her gentle rejections. He has an aha moment. No, not really... It all happens slowly, and in the end, we're still not quite sure if he would've preferred what he had to what he might. We leave the cinema feeling the Tom in ourselves spoken to. This movie is an homage to the desperately broken-hearted, or those who have once been.
I guess for me, having been Summer in almost every adult relationship, the movie left me feeling a little dried out. As much insight is offered about Tom and his experience, very little is offered about Summer and hers. And in the end, we ultimately pursue art because of the answers we hope it brings.
I thought about my father's faith today. If you've ever met my dad, you'd know that he is a very devout man. He prays morning, noon, and night. He doesn't give up a single chance to witness to folks, even to his own kids - who by the way are both believers.
My father has had a prayer request for about 35 years. Yes, that's right; for 35 years, my father had made the same entreaty - every morning, every day, every night. And for 35 years, he has not gotten the satisfaction he's hoped for.
It has gotten me thinking about prayer again, especially the sort that don't get answered to our satisfaction.
Sometimes it feels like praying is an excuse. If I've prayed about a situation, I've handed it over to God. Anything that happens after that is God's responsibility.
Sometimes it feels like praying is a conditioned habit. My friend's mother is dying. I say a couple of mindless phrases to God on her behalf; no emotion, no desire. I do it because it makes me feel good to know that I said a prayer like I promised.
More lately, I've been feeling like prayer is a bit like therapy. A therapist listens and empathizes. She may give me a fresh point-of-view on a situation; she may even make some suggestions on what I can do to modify or improve it. But a good therapist, rarely tries to intervene. That would strip me of both free will and accountability. A good therapist knows that it's still up to me to live my life with compassion, courage, integrity, justice, and love. And it's still up to me to accept that life doesn't move according to my own plans and desires.
There's a great peace in knowing that God can do all things, and a great awe in knowing that God will not do all things. But I think that's hard for most of us. If God is so powerful, why don't things magically get better?
In related news, life has been phenomenally good lately. It hasn't been easy (for several reasons), yet it's been really really good.
I watched this short video clip last night. I was struck by this particular response to a prayer request: "We got an expected blessing from unexpected people."
It was an interesting juxtaposition to a conversation I had earlier yesterday afternoon with a friend about prayer requests. She doesn't believe that middle-class material dreams can be attributed to God's favor: nice houses, good jobs, good health, pregnancies, etc. Her point being that it assumes that those who have these privileges are blessed by God, while the majority of the world is not.
And this has got me wondering what I believe about prayer? Does God answer prayer requests? What does God care about? There are a handful of unanswered prayer requests I've had over the years. I go through periods when I question God and his attention; I go through periods when I don't.
I suppose this is a period when I lean towards the belief that God answers prayers for his Kingdom's glory, and that alone. I can pray for certain things, and God could answer my prayers in a snap of a celestial finger. But to what end? And to whose glory? Sometimes we are not ready to have our prayers answered because we will manipulate them for our sake and benefit, not God's. Sometimes we can have our material dreams come true, and they are not from God. Sometimes things that cause pain are from God, if they are for God's glory. Pain is not evil, though our responses to pain can be.
As Pastor Bill preached in yesterday's sermon: this is the distinction between ancients and moderns. Ancients believed in a God-centric reality; moderns believe in a self-centric reality. What does it take for us to remove ourselves from the center of God's story? What does it take to acknowledge that our comforts are not part of the Kingdom plan; and as long as they remain so, the sources of our happiness will always be temporal?
