regret

Joe and I had been planning the Sounders match since mid-April. The game had been on our calendars for months. For some reason, I was just as stressed out about making sure Joe could get the tickets from me and find someone else to go with as I was about Meshach's health.

As I made my decision, the thought went through my head that Joe could be there with me when Meshach died. I don't know why I thought that, since Joe is both allergic to cats and would probably not have appreciated having a friend ask him to watch her pet die. But nonetheless, I arranged for him to meet me at the vet's. That gave me about a 20 minute window before Joe would have to leave for the match. I stayed outside waiting for Joe to arrive.

After the vet found me in the parking lot and had me sign for authorization to euthanize Meshach, I realized that I wasn't even spending the last minutes with Meshach; I was outside crying, waiting for a friend to hand over soccer tickets. A strange sense of priorities.

Meanwhile, Meshach had already been sedated and the vet was waiting for me. I went inside; I pet Meshach's cheek and thanked him for being a good companion for all these years while he went quietly to sleep.

Thankfully, Joe has just arrived when I emerged from the exam room having just kissed Meshach's body as it was already losing its warmth. I was sobbing, and it was so nice to have a friend hold me in my grief.

I guess I don't regret making the decision to end Meshach's life. But as I've been thinking back to Saturday morning, I kept wondering what I would have done if I had not had those soccer tickets.

Maybe I would've thought to take Meshach home for a few hours or at least hang out with him in a private room for a little while; I would have liked to have spent some quality time with him saying goodbye. Instead, it just happened so darn fast. I made the decision and it was over within 20 minutes, none of which I spent with him until the very last moments.

I wish I had said goodbye properly. All the control I had over the timing of his death, and I didn't use my control to both of our advantages. What it would've meant to me (and to him, I'm guessing) if I could've spent some time kissing him, comforting him, showing him how much I loved him.

I don't know why I was so worried about Joe and the tickets. In retrospect, it was such a small thing to stress over.

I do hear I missed a great match.