soul making

i'm on the countdown to my trip to Asia: 17 days to go, and...

there is a deafening silence from my closest friends (my "family") about the fact that i'm leaving (and all the sub-factors involved with it). this is a sharp contrast from two years ago when there seemed to be overwhelming support for my Korea sojourn. perhaps it's fear that this journey will mirror the grief of the last one, even though the circumstances are almost opposite of those of two years ago. perhaps it's tacit disapproval that i'm not reconciling with my ex, and that the movement toward Alan clearly signifies a shift in the heart's loyalties. (Zadok suggested recently that it might be hard for our friends to witness our brokenness. i thought he was imagining things; now i'm not so sure.) perhaps it's fatigue in walking alongside my frequent life changes. perhaps it's simply disinterest; i honestly don't know, but i do feel lonely.

i've been thinking a lot about soul making lately. it's actually a title by Alan Jones that Zadok sent to me in Korea in 2005 - a remarkable book about living through and surviving the desert of one's faith. it's one of my favorite books. and it's true: my spirit's been in a desert since my unquestioned belief in God's calling was challenged by profound complexities. could i endure 90 years of infertility as Sarah did in wait for God's promise?

88 years to go...

i do know that i'm comfortable waiting in this desert now, that God speaks to me as he chooses and often without interpretation. i also know that i've had water to drink lately, through satisfaction of meaningful community work and through an unlikely man's love. they are not God's answers to my questions of faith; they are little oases in a time of endless barrenness. God is not that simple, but is that loving. for that, i'm thankful; i'm not alone. God walks alongside me and loves me - in spite of me.