growing pains

life as an interim executive director has not been easy. i love my job, the work we do and mostly the people i work with/for. at the same time, i find our agency situation challenging. where and how can i be used with the greatest amount of impact? is it in operations, legal compliance, staff supervision, program development, community partnerships, public policy, leadership, fund development or public relations? and where exactly is the line between leading from behind and leading from up front? what is the balance between leading with humility and leading with authority? i still have so much to learn in striking that balance, and i find that i'm disappointing folks in areas in which i thought i had strength. i also find that i'm still learning about eliminating "me" from the equation. the leadership i most admire is self-less, and yet i still don't know if i'm giving up too much of myself or not enough.

i came back from vacation with the news that i was not chosen to lead IDHA permanently. on some level, it is a relief in that i can look forward to a time where i can be part of a team without the responsibility of having to so acutely grapple with the aforementioned questions. on some level, it is also a disappointment, feeling somewhat that i have either failed the agency in providing the leadership they seek or failed to demonstrate the leadership abilities i already possess. i am learning it all in solid form: humility, strength, selflessness and honoring the self.

i am grateful to colleagues, friends and family who continue to believe in me and who believe redemption can come even with, and because of, my failures. we are all in this together, wanting a better & kinder world and to find our roles in making it happen. (above: the bay at Cat Ba Island, Vietnam).

in other somewhat related news, i'm church-hunting. i'm taking suggestions. i've tried: St. Paul's Episcopal Church, Church of the Apostles, University Presbyterian Church and Bethany Community Church.