forever, the sun warms my chilled bones

yesterday i shared an 18-year-old memory with a friend. it wasn't easy retelling how my youthful recklessness impacted another person's life, even to the present day. an old lover, now married and with children, still sought closure from the 15-year-old girl who broke his heart. in a strange twist of coincidences last March, he found me in Seoul - the day before i returned to the States. for the first time in 18 years, i got to hear how my selfishness affected his life. i also heard how he had forgiven me and still cared for me. sometimes when i think i'm all that, i remember that i am forgiven.

my life has felt bifurcated recently - more than usual. if one can imagine living in parallel worlds, this is what it's been like for me. while one part of me is existing in a lively new world, another part of me is closely connected to the abandoned past. i'm startled at how vivid my memories have been of late. i woke up the other morning in tears, reliving the chilly loneliness of Christmas Day 2005 in Seoul. i found myself praying the same prayer i had prayed then, as if the wounds were fresh: 'oh God, won't you ease my sorrow?' it was odd, because i had believed the profound grief was gone.

there are some wounds that never completely heal, some that still sting during certain times of the year or in the presence of certain stimuli. everytime i see the bent license plate on front of my car, i remember a stray dog lost his life against it one snowy New Year's evening. the memory still brings me sorrow. sometimes i can still feel my insides gasp upon impact, followed by that sinking feeling that what's done cannot be undone.

one of my friends sometimes wishes i could check myself into Lacuna Corporation and experience the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. it's hard for her to see me wrestle with my grief; my tears make her uncomfortable. but surely we must be left with our painful memories for a reason. perhaps they remind us of our flaws and our frailties? perhaps they force us out of self-centeredness? perhaps they serve as a bridge between our fragility and others'?

no answers here. just hope upon hope that my wounds, given and received, are what move me closer and closer to humility and compassion.

speaking of compassion, can someone please explain to me how a person/people could rifle through young girls' purses and steal all their cash while they are performing in a charity concert at a church? the grinch who stole Christmas. ugh.