2006: fait accompli

i'm in birch bay, washington this new year's eve spending the weekend with my girlfriend, goddaughter and her grandparents. right now, DeAnza is preaching in Seattle and Isabelle is taking a nap. so i'm enjoying some precious time on my own.

with the onset of the holiday season, i found myself doing a fair amount of reflection and re-grieving. the end of 2005 and most of 2006 was about disillusionment: love, relationships, calling/ministry, visions, living overseas, faith, profession, family, community -- all called into question. and as always, the end of the year elicits the usual questions: did i live fully? did i operate with integrity? did i follow my heart?

i can't say that 2006's theme was about dreams fulfilled; quite the contrary, most of what i hoped for didn't come to fruition. so i grieved a lot this year; i took many risks and fell flat time and time again. but it's strange that though this year was among the saddest and hardest of my life (1997 was sadder and harder), i leave it behind with relatively little regret. in fact, it was a very good year. 2006 is fait accompli.

disillusionment is no doubt painful. i learned this year that a soulmate doesn't make a partner, religion doesn't make faith, parental status does not make good parenting, dreams do not make reality, and visions are not promises. i learned that these are just guideposts to a place beyond them. there is still that space between what we know and what we don't where the risk and work of living life fully takes place. it is here where we learn to believe in something that cannot be quantified, objectified or necessarily even verified.

following our dreams and living without abandon doesn't guarantee that we won't be disappointed; that's one thing this year has taught me well. i'm not pretending that i'm happy about the results. but i won't look back and wonder what could've been had i just followed the clear voice inside. i won't look back at 2006 as the year i cowered from my desire.

aside from the countless sins i commit in my heart, with my mouth and through my actions every day, i do have one major regret from this year. i behaved without integrity with regards to a broken heart. i used a friend in an attempt to feel better, and in the process disrespected and jeopardized a meaningful friendship. it is only because J is a very good man that it remains. i am fortunate for him indeed.

so as i look to 2007, i possess even more hope than i did at the end of previous years. i'm still learning, still growing, still desiring. most importantly, i'm still dreaming. and i find myself at this powerful conclusion: hope comes from that place beyond the guideposts. it comes from the gap between the knowable and unknowable - where God meets me, loves me, forgives me, disappoints me, delights me and sustains me.

may 2007 be a wellspring of hope and fulfilled dreams for you. happy new year to the beloved and the treasured! we are all so fortunate to be both.