life is vulgar and beautiful all at once

thanksgiving weekend has been the hardest i've had in quite a while, which is not to say i didn't have a very lovely weekend; i did. on wednesday evening, the management team celebrated the holidays and karaoked at Bush Garden into the wee hours of the morning. on thanksgiving, i spent the day eating turkey, pie and kimchee together with my family and one of my closest girlfriends. friday was spent at a russian bathhouse (Banya5) with a dear one with whom the recovery of a broken friendship has been slowly in the works. we finished the afternoon with good food and hot cocoa/mocha (Agua Verde and Chocolati) before meeting two mutual friends for wine and appetizers (Purple and Boka). i spent saturday morning in chorale practice, the afternoon in thrift stores (where i unexpectedly ran into a friend), and the evening with the same couple i met for drinks on friday. the three of us ate mexican food and discussed our love of poetry, the demands of non-profit leadership and the struggle to maintain a healthy work/life balance. today i munched on thanksgiving leftovers and watched some dvd's i had rented/borrowed. all in all, a life-affirming and relaxing weekend.

what made this weekend unexpectedly difficult was that in the fury of the holiday festivities and joy, i found myself wanting nothing more than to share it with someone who is no longer a part of my life. i found myself revisiting the grieving process, trying to reconcile the loss. loss is significant and we long, in our humanity, to make sense of each one. i have made sense of the other significant losses in my life; this one has been more difficult.

and then i realize that being able to make sense of one's losses is a privilege. how many others around the world experience senseless loss repeatedly in the form of disease, war, poverty and violence? i experience loss in the presence of so much material hope; others must rely solely on their faith in the unseen. if i had nothing but my spirituality to rely on, could i still embrace the hope and beauty that is inherent in life itself?

...

in a drastic turn of internal events, i have come to realize in the past couple weeks that i am ready for - gasp - commitment. i've begun to root in ways i have never done before. i've made a commitment to my community work. i've decided to start saving for a home after i return from asia next spring. and as i reflect on the enormous blessings in my life, i look forward to finding someone with whom i can share them. as i told a close friend last night (which she reminded me that i had also said to her four years ago), i have a great life; i want to share it with someone special, who wants to share his with me. that is an exciting prospect!

happy thanksgiving. i hope yours was filled with as much laughter, joy and love as mine. may your desire for that which you do not have remind you to treasure that which you do. life is good.